I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.