Give your hair sexy volume by showering with a toaster.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
You Might Also Like
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.
Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?
me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside