@ShitJokes

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

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@robin_991

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

@StarrsWar

No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.

@HatfieldAnne

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@MarfSalvador

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@jaelteon

interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?

me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside