Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
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*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria” at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*