@RexHuppke: I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, "Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!" and everyone ran out.
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@tuckerflodman: *Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*
@BoomBoomBetty: My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
@Adam14: Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh... 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
@waitressyoyo: If I drunk text you, please do not continue the conversation in the morning. The sun is out. The birds are chirping. My common sense has returned. I'm now walking with the Lord.