@RexHuppke: I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, "Somebody's Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!" and everyone ran out.
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@midnight_cowboi: When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
@Fred_Delicious: [rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl] me - "that was an accident can I have my egg back please"