In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
oh shit
(Jupiter –
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.