I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
