@_TeaChap

I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

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@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@OldUncleDaveO

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

@WilliamAder

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

@Skoog

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@man_in_radiator

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

@TheBoydP

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

@iGreenMonk

You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”. Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.