Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”. Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.