I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

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Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.


Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.


Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.


Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.


[trapped inside a volcano]




Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…


I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.


If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.


Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.


me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time


My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.