oh you like architecture? name three walls
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?