Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Toddler: Be Careful…
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.