I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?


Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did


The best way to return any clothing left at your place is to do a drive-by with a t-shirt gun on her wedding day.


Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.


[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!


Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes



Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”


Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.


If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.


Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.