I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

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I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.


I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.


[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?


You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.


Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.


Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.


[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying


“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds


Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.