@DeanOkay

I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

You Might Also Like

@House_Feminist

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

@Sorrowscopes

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

@AbleLikes

I wish I had a balcony to be dramatic and half naked on.

@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

@daemonic3

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

@suzieQ0007

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: I don’t see a phone # for your reference
Me: he is a duck I feed bread to at the park you will have to speak to him directly

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

@offbeatoliv

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

@thenatewolf

ME IN PUBLIC: I don’t believe in ghosts.

ME WHEN I’M ALONE AND HEAR ANY CREAK IN THE HOUSE: Pappy?