I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Put a ring on it
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.