I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
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My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Note to self: I am a note
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
The honesty is refreshing
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.