I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”