I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

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My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.


UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier


Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.


In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.


There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.


My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.


ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work


ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun


Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.


*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*