@RuinMyWeek

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

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@AmericanGent69

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

@pixelatedboat

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

@hazelmotes1

My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Guess what?
ME: What?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!

@Browtweaten

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

@parkersJoking

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

@MissHavisham

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night