Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.