Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.