I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.