I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind