People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
You Might Also Like
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
bury ourselves
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.