@hunz74

I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.

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@PhillyCollins10

12 dudes escaped jail by writing a fake cell number on an exit with PEANUT BUTTER and the writers of Prison Break are kicking themselves rn

@Thunder_Fart

Did you know that when you meet an Indian you can CHOOSE not to mention slumdog millionaire?

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

@anildash

Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

@UnFitz

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”