I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.

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12 dudes escaped jail by writing a fake cell number on an exit with PEANUT BUTTER and the writers of Prison Break are kicking themselves rn


Did you know that when you meet an Indian you can CHOOSE not to mention slumdog millionaire?


Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs


Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”


Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”


“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*licks elevator button*


Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*


Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.


*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”