Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work