I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I’m already scared
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”