ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat