I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’