I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
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when revenge coincides with naptime
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I unironically love this joke.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter