I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.