Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
You Might Also Like
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Lmbo
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.