I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I put the mess in domestic.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
No laws when master is gone
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”