@omgthatspunny

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

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@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@JohnLyonTweets

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

@brennadine

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

@3sunzzz

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

@dumbbeezie

A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

@VerbsRProudest

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

@JeremyKCMO

Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?