I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

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Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.


Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.


No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.


A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail


My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.


Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE


Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.


Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.


What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?