grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Namaste or Namago.