Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic
“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”
My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.
oh you’re a millennial? name one industry you’ve killed
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”