@shegotagronk

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

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@DeanOkay

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

@Jandalize

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

@ExecDad1

If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.

@SteveSuckington

[job interview]

“What’s your..”

*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic

“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”

@yoopnative

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

@markydoodoo

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

@caribbeankris

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”