@shegotagronk

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

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@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

@WheelTod

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

@philmann

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

@MomofTeen

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

@VodkaTiem

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

@MacAnnabella

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.