I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
A short story about romance.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.