I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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Vodka burrito was a success
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
This took me a second..
Mouse
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.