I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt