I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…