@itsnashflynn

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

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@bader_diedrich

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

@BoogTweets

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

@dadmann_walking

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

@novicefather

My wife said that if I lose my job, she’s divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?

@JosesLovesYou

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

@BillPelicanBros

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.