My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
My wife said that if I lose my job, she’s divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.