I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.