I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
called in thicc to work this morning
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.