I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
im all 3
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.