“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.
So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price