@KentWGraham

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

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@jennyjaffe

“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

@pinupteacher

I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.

@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

@mrtruthandsoul

My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.

So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!

@FatherWithTwins

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@graceupongracie

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

@ygselena

I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted

@humanaaron

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price