I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

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“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.


I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.


Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?


My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo.

So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!


Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”


If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.


Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me


I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted


[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price