I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him