@jjhartinger

I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.

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@RealCarrotFacts

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

@Sassafrantz

My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@MiddleageM

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

@joejwest

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

@i_wantMyBiitch

I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.

@thenatewolf

DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?