Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Never forget.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Natty or not?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?