I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.


DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in


Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-



If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.


’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.


Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.


Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA


[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*


Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being


Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.