If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.