I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
You Might Also Like
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
being a writer on Twitter: