I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
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My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.