@StephenKing: I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken. *pushes their faces together* Me: Did they kiss and make up? 5: No. She headbutted him.
@fillthevacuum: Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
@thebeckyard: "Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you've been buying." *silently writes him out of my will*
@javeigh: Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?