I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.