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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?