I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
You Might Also Like
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
mentally somewhere in italy
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
*serious situation*
My brain:
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Just got to our Airbnb!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr