i will absolutely pretend to be your agent or lawyer or former employer or whatever else you need. not charging for this service, i just like helping my friends and lying

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In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s


wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*


if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.


this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close


You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.


Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.


when you have 47 tabs open, a netflix movie running, and a zoom meeting that’s minimized on your little laptop


*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”