i will absolutely pretend to be your agent or lawyer or former employer or whatever else you need. not charging for this service, i just like helping my friends and lying

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It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.


My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.


Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]


I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.


Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!


Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.



RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*


I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.


HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh


coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch