@InternetHippo

i will absolutely pretend to be your agent or lawyer or former employer or whatever else you need. not charging for this service, i just like helping my friends and lying

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@caseytduncan

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

@RaylaRimpson

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

@HomeWithPeanut

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

@AlanRutledge

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@raeraefairydust

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

@HenpeckedHal

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch