“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
🚲+physics = winner
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
multitasking lunch
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.