I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you