@wolfpupy

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

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@nbadag

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

@prattprattpratt

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

@thevaginadiary

Therapist: How do you deal with the negative people?

Me: Put their name on my kill list.

Therapist: Please don’t do that.

Me: I’ll try to stop.

*Writes Therapists name on kill list*

@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

@AdamOfEarth

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.

@UrFavAsianGuy

Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.

@fro_vo

[first date]
ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun

@dire_beard

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@OctopusCaveman

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.