i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect