I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.