@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

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@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@mortimermaiden

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

@truegritrumble

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

@dreamthievin

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

@LawrWard

Disney are remaking Home Alone. This is a petition for them to re-cast 38 year old Macauley Culkin as 9 year old Kevin McCallister and have nobody in the film acknowledge it.

@RocketRankoon

Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@b0dymassage

‘Joe whats that package ya got today?’

“ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO”

‘Well its about time, right?’

“RIGHT”

@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.