I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*