I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.