so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
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Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!
Every house has this drawer
You never realize what have till its gone……..
Toilet paper is a good example of this.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.