Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
when you are just born a rebel
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.