I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

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[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.


[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
lemme see


Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???


My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood


Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.


My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.


He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.