“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”


[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.


On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.


Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.


Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important


I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.


Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?


I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.


All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.