“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.