*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I hope Alan is OK
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.