I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
no refunds
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
incredible
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you