I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
You Might Also Like
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.